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It's the rare couple that doesn't, sooner or later, run into a few bumps
in the road. If you recognize ahead of time what those relationship
problems can be, you'll have a much better chance of weathering the
storm, experts say.
1. Communication
All relationship problems stem from poor communication skills, says Elaine Fantle
Shimberg, author of Blending Families. "You can't communicate while you're
checking your BlackBerry, watching TV, or flipping through the sports section,"
she says.
Problem-solving strategies:
A. Make time ... yes, an actual appointment with each other, Shimberg says. If
you live together, put the cell phones on vibrate, put the kids to bed, and let the
answering machine pick up your calls.
B. If you can't "communicate" without raising your voices, go to a public spot like
the library, park, or restaurant, where you'd be embarrassed if anyone saw you
screaming.
C. Set up some rules ... like not interrupting until the other is through, banning
phrases such as "You always ..." or "You never ..."
D. Remember that a large part of communication is listening, so be sure your
body language reflects that. That means, don't doodle, look at your watch, pick at
your nails, etc. Nod so the other person knows you're getting the message and
rephrase if necessary, such as, "What I hear you saying is that you feel as though
you have more chores at home, even though we're both working." If you're right,
the other can confirm, and if what the other person really meant was, hey, you're
a slob and you create more work for me by having to pick up after you, perhaps
they'll say so but in a nicer way.
2. Sex
Even partners who love each other can be incompatible sexually. Men and women
alike are sorely lacking in sex education and sexual self-awareness. Yet, having
sex is one of the last things we should be giving up. Sex brings us closer
together, releases hormones that help our bodies both physically and
mentally, and keeps the chemistry of a healthy couple healthy.
Problem-solving strategies:
A. Plan, plan, plan, Fay says. Make an appointment -- not necessarily at night
when everyone is tired. Maybe during the baby's Saturday afternoon nap. Or
perhaps a "before-work quickie," Fay suggests. Or ask Grandma and Grandpa to
take the kids every other Friday night for a sleepover. "When sex is on the
calendar, it increases your anticipation," Fay says, adding that mixing things up a
bit can increase your sexual enjoyment as well. Why not sex in the kitchen? Sex
by the fire? Sex standing up in the hallway?
B. Learn what truly turns your partner on by asking him or her to come up with a
personal "Sexy List." And, of course, you do the same. What do each of you truly
find sexy? "The answers may surprise you." Swap the lists and use them to
create more scenarios that turn you both on.
C. If your sexual relationship problems can't be resolved on your own, consult a
qualified sex therapist, who can help you both address and resolve your issues.
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3. Money
Money problems can start even before the wedding vows are said, from the
expenses of courtship to the high cost of weddings. The National Foundation for
Credit Counseling (NFCC) recommends that couples who have money woes take
a deep breath and have a serious conversation about finances.
Problem-solving strategies:
A. Be honest about your current financial situation. If things have gone south,
continuing the same lifestyle that was possible before the loss of income is simply
unrealistic.
B. Don't approach the subject in the heat of battle. Instead, set aside a time that
is convenient and non-threatening for both parties.
C. Acknowledge that one partner may be a saver and one a spender,
understanding that there are benefits to both, and agreeing to learn from each
other's tendencies.
D. Don't hide income or debt. Bring financial documents, including a recent credit
report, pay stubs, bank statements, insurance policies, debts, and investments to
the table.
E. Don't blame.
F. Construct a joint budget that includes savings.
G. Decide which person will be responsible for paying the monthly bills.
H. Allow each person to have independence by setting aside money to be spent at
his or her discretion.
I. Decide upon short-term and long-term goals. It's OK to have individual goals,
but you should have family goals, too.
J. Talk about caring for your parents as they age, and how to appropriately plan
for their financial needs, if necessary.
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4. Struggles Over Home Chores
Nowadays, most partners work outside the home -- and in today's economy --
often at more than one job, so it's important to equitably divide the labor at home.
Problem-solving strategies:
A. Be organized and clear about your respective jobs in the home. Write all the
jobs down and agree on who does what. Be fair: Make sure each partner's tasks
are equitable so no resentment builds.
B. Be open to other solutions. If you both hate housework, maybe you can spring
for a cleaning service. If one of you likes housework, the other partner can do the
laundry and the yard. As long as it feels fair to both people, you can be creative
and take preferences into account.
5. Not Prioritizing Your Relationship
If you want to keep your love life going, making your relationship a focal point
does not end when you say "I do." Relationships lose their luster! Find It, Keep It,
and Make It Last. So make yours a priority.
Problem-solving strategies:
A. Do the things you used to do when you were first dating: Make gestures of
appreciation, compliment each other, contact each other throughout the day, and
show interest in each other.
B. Plan date nights. Schedule time together on the calendar just as you would any
other important event in your life.
C. Respect one another. Say "thank you," and "I appreciate ... ." It lets your
partner know that he/she matters.
6. Conflict
Occasional conflict is an inevitable part of life, but if you and your partner feel like
you are starring in your own nightmare version of the movie Groundhog Day, it's
time to break free of this toxic routine. Recognizing these simple truths will lessen
anger and enable you to take a calm look at the underlying issue.
Problem-solving strategies:
A. You are not a victim. It is your choice whether to react and how to react.
B. Be honest with yourself. When you're in the midst of an argument, are your
comments directed toward resolution, or are you looking for payback? If your
comments are blaming and hurtful, it's best to take a deep breath and change
your strategy.
C. Change it up. If you continue to respond in the same way that has brought you
pain and unhappiness in the past, you can't expect a different result this time. Just
one little shift can make a big difference. If you usually jump right in to defend
yourself before your partner is finished speaking, hold off for a few moments.
You'll be surprised at how such a small shift in tempo can change the whole tone
of an argument.
D. Give a little; get a lot. Apologize when you're wrong. Sure it's tough, but just try
it and watch something wonderful happen.
7. Trust
Trust is an essential part of a relationship. Are there certain behaviors that are
causing you to not trust your partner, or do you have unresolved issues that are
hindering you from trusting others?
Problem-solving strategies:
A. Be consistent.
B. Be on time.
C. Do what you say you will do.
D. Don't lie -- not even little white lies, to your partner or to others.
E. Be fair, even in an argument.
F. Be sensitive to the other's feelings. You can still disagree but don't discount
how your partner is feeling.
G. Call when you say you will.
H. Call to say you'll be home late.
I. Carry your fair share of the workload.
J. Don't overreact when things go wrong.
K. Never say things you can't take back.
L. Don't dig up old wounds.
M. Respect your partner's boundaries.
N. Don’t be jealous.
O. Be a good listener.
Although relationships have their ups and downs, there are things you can both do
that may well minimize marriage problems, if not help avoid them altogether.
Be realistic.
Thinking your mate will meet all your needs -- and will be able to figure them
out without your asking -- is a Hollywood fantasy. "Ask for what you need
directly.
Use humor -- learn to let things go and enjoy one another more. Have FUN! And
be willing to work on your relationship and to truly look at what needs to be done.
Don't think that it will be better with someone else; the same problems you have in
this relationship because of lack of skills will still exist.
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